


The Halfway Real Boy

by HoneyGrunge



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: AI Jack, Daddy Kink, Dirty Talk, F/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Object Insertion, Object Penetration, Penis In Vagina Sex, Pet Names, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Reader-Insert, Rough Oral Sex, Rough Sex, Smut, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-21
Updated: 2019-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-25 05:51:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,174
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20719157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoneyGrunge/pseuds/HoneyGrunge
Summary: >THIS CONTAINS BL3 SPOILERS!! Not story spoilers, but a big spoiler of a rare drop item nonetheless.You're a Vault Hunter currently working on Eden-6 when you come across a particularly special legendary, which ends up making your day in more ways than one.





	The Halfway Real Boy

**Author's Note:**

> THIS CONTAINS A BL3 SPOILER!! Please go no further it you don't want to get spoiled.
> 
> So I just learned about the Handsome Jackhammer gun in BL3 (AI Jack is in it and talks to you quite a bit) and I honestly COULDN'T resist taking time away from playing it/life to write this. Also I wrote this in the early AM hours so yeah...mistakes lol.
> 
> Please enjoy!! ♡♡♡

"SHIT!" you grunt, thrown off balance as the force of the shotgun knocks you flat on your ass. Thankfully, your loss of stability doesn't cost you your life this time, since the last jabber has gone down with a steaming bullet now very well acquainted with its right eye.

"I hate this job," you grumble, grabbing a rag and smearing the animal's blood off your cheek before flopping backwards for a well-deserved breather. If there's loot, it can wait a few seconds. "Maybe I should start doing porn instead, like Timothy and Axton."

But before you can contemplate your next career move, a voice rudely interrupts your train of thought. 

"HEY!"

"....who's there?" you call, jolting up and reloading your gun just in case it's an ambush.

"A little help here??" the voice calls out; your brow shoots up in confusion. It's coming from...

Is the dead monkey talking?

"Listen, I don't know what's going o-" you start, but then something clicks.

You know that voice.

EVERYONE knows that voice.

You sit up, squinting at the jabber carcass.

".....jack? Handsome Jack?"

"Ohhhhh I can't even tell ya how nice it is to come across a bipedal life form on this swampy redneck disgrace of a planet," the voice sobs in exaggerated relief, but it sounds less irritated this time. It (or rather...he?) sounds smug, in fact, obviously pleased that he's well-remembered even in death.

"You're dead," you blurt, shifting up onto your armor booted feet and walking over to the fallen jabber.

"Yeah yeah I haven't heard THAT one before. Could ya just help me if you feel so inclined?.....please??"

Noticing a flash of metal sticking out from beneath the body, you kick it over with your foot to reveal a (for lack of a better word) rather handsome yellow gun smashed into the mud.

"Hey my eyes are down here kiddo, in the mud, are ya lookin' at me? I really can't tell cuz my scope is covered in monkey shit."

Fear and excitement join the confusion stirring in your gut as you lean down to yank the yellow legendary out of the mud. He makes an irritated noise but stays silent, likely understanding that his existence is, yet again, hanging by a thread.

"I have so many questions right now," you chuckle, wiping off the scope and examining it from all sides. "Care to fill me in?"

"Atlas happened. Rhys happened, that's WHAT," Jack snarls, pausing for a beat before continuing. "So...you're uh...NOT gonna smash me into a million tiny pieces then?"

"Course not, I'm actually quite the fan," you snort, to which he chuckles, sounding beyond relieved.

"Great, another Nakayama. Could be worse. Anyhoo, d'you think you could like...help me? Get out of this piece a' junk? I honestly don't remember much before that stupid ass jabber grabbed me and used me to kill some of those other furry shitstains. I remember Helios crashing...and Rhys. And getting filled in on everything new by a Hyperion engineer. But I'm sure the whole fucking galaxy knows the rest of the story by now."

"Uh-huh," you respond, only half paying attention as you trickle water onto the shaft of the gun to remove the rest of the crud.

"WHOAAAA, WHOA THERE BABE!!! Watch your hands, that's private property!" he suddenly hisses when you go to clean out the barrel.

"....I'm not even gonna ask," you sigh, sitting back and laying him in the grass next to you. "So what exactly do you need me to do?" 

"I gotta get to Hyperion. They'll download me into something a little more roomy and hopefully not destroy me before I can find a way out of the system."

"Sounds tricky...expensive, too," you prompt, glancing down at the gun as it fires an angry bullet.

"Listen I don't exactly got my wallet on me right now but you WILL get compensation."

"Or I'll get shot once you're done with me."

Jack takes a few seconds to respond, and when he does his voice ends the humorous mood. It's hollow and desperate, and somehow, you know it's not an act.

"I can't even kill myself in this form. D'you know how shitty that is? Most days I just wish I'd get crushed under some bandit hick's wheels. I'm not about to lose this chance, pumpkin."

Nodding, you pick him up and turn him to your face so he can see you through the scope, fully aware that he could kill you right now if he wanted to.

"We've got ourselves a deal then," you agree as he sighs.

"Ok first order of business: there's an android body in a downed ship close by. That's where the fucking monkey was living. If you get me there so I can be a halfway-real boy again, that might keep me from going psychotic for the time being."

He updates your ECHO and you waste no time following the conveniently short trail. He stays silent as you walk, so you finally attempt to strike the conversation back up once you're halfway there.

"So...psychotic, huh? How can you even be psychotic without a brain?"

"Same way I can be talking to you right now. I'm just a digitial consciousness and that consciousness mimics what it's familiar with: a human, specifically yours truly. So I can still get stressed and emotional and alllll that fun stuff."

"Not TOO emotional though. Macho man, right?" you snort, and you can practically hear the eye roll accompanying the bark of laughter. 

"Either it's been too long since I've actually talked to someone, or you're actually a smidge funny. Rare for a vault hunter," he observes, sending a small thrill up your spine. Jesus, he still gives you chills when he's not even remotely HUMAN.

"Yeah, well, if people don't like you, they try to kill you. And funny makes most people like you."

After concurring the AI falls silent; it's only about thirty seconds before he's talking again.

"Y'know I just really miss squeezing a good ol' pair of jiggly tits," he complains, forcing a choked laugh out of your suddenly tight throat. 

"Oh, uh, yeah, yeah I can imagine," you reply, feeling your cheeks start to burn. A sharp-tongued quip threatens to weasel its way past your lips, and finally wins out. Why else would he have mentioned that if not to fish for a response?

"As soon as you're in the new body I'll let you squeeze mine, I promise."

"Awwww kitten, you're so thoughtful of daddy's needs," he drawls, the tone of his voice immediately switching gears and going straight for the growing wetness between your legs. It's halfway between a purr and smug praise now; he's an expert at seduction in life AND death, it seems. Guess you don't need real boy balls to still be horny.

"Looks like we're here," you point out, pulling your shotgun over your shoulder and readying a pistol. 

"Great, ok now I think it's in the engineering lab. Updating your ECHO again," he responds, suddenly all business once again. "PLEASE for the love of the Vaults, don't die on me in there."

"Have a little faith, asshole," you grunt, peering down your scope to take out the first of many jabbers and grogs. It doesn't take long, maybe three minutes max with Jack screaming like a madman and firing away in every direction (hitting you more than a few times, it should be noted). Finally, when the last grog has been reduced to a puddle of radioactive goo, you advance on the ECHO destination only to find a smashed up tin can of a service droid.

"Ah...yeah...we got a problem Mr. Handsome," you sigh, picking him back up and pointing his sights on the jabber-raided heap of junk.

"FUCK!" he barks out into the echoing chamber.

He's quiet after that, brooding on this unexpected change of events. While waiting on a response, something odd catches your eye: a puddle of red blood, not green or brown. A couple more seconds worth of investigation reveals a corpse you hadn't noticed before. 

"Hey wait, I think that's a vault hunter..."

"So?"

Kneeling, you check the body, coming back up with a triumphant grin plastered across your dirtied face.

"A digicloner! Look!"

"Well don't just SHOW me, get me over there so I can sync with it!"

The whiny and higher pitched irritation in his voice only sparks your mischievous (and increasingly horny) mood, so you hold the device behind your back and cock your head.

"Mmmm...dunno if you've earned it to be honest," you tease, hoping he's in a better mood for this type of thing now that he's got hope on the horizon.

"....my god you really are a bitch," he sighs. "Whaddya want? A cookie? Some headpats?"

"Sex," you blurt, unable to contain your excitement any longer.

There's a brief pause and then he's belting out genuine guffaws of laughter, so loud that the gun rattles with the force of his voice.

"Oh that's, now THAT'S a real KNEE-SLAPPER! I thought you had at least half a brain cell but, guess not. Case ya haven't noticed, I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING DICK!"

Jack screams that last part, with enough gumption to make you flinch. But you don't back down, remembering his tits comment from earlier.

"Okay you of all people should know that sex isn't about the dick, everyone knows about your exploits," you snort, crossing your arms and glaring at him. "I mean I could just shove you right up my vag; anything's a dildo if you're brave enough."

"But I wouldn't even feel anything," he whines, and you can't help but feel victorious. He's definitely into the idea if that's his first reaction. 

"Didn't you feel something when I went to clean out the barrel??"

"That was just a reflex okay, no I don't actually FEEL anything like this," he grumbles, making a tiny sound of indignation when you squat down to pick him up by the handle.

"Just be a good boy and you'll get in there sooner rather than later, sound good?" 

"You talkin' about your pussy or the digicloner?" he muses, swearing when you smack the scope and reach for a bottle of sterilizing solution from your Anshin pack. It's unceremoniously dumped on him and then you rinse him with your drinking water, finally reaching for your zipper, making sure his sights can see you.

"This is a good angle for you," he remarks as your pants drop, and you can't help but blush hard at the fact that THE Handsome Jack thinks you're fuckable. Soon you're half naked; tits pulled out over the top of your undershirt to give him a good view of what he REALLY misses.

"Ohohoooo kitten, what I wouldn't do to suck those nips," he shudders, and you could swear that you hear the gun cock.

"....if you shoot me you'll never get out of here, idiot."

"Oh SHUT UP! What's wrong, never had sex with a sentient gun before? That's my boner!"

"And how do you YOU know that, sir?"

"Eh an old girlfriend of mine, Nisha, she had some uhhh...special pistols. She was a gunfucker. Anyway come on before I go into safe mode or something! Jiggle! Do SOMEthing!"

"Gods you're impatient, fine," you laugh, bending over and obliging, slipping a hand down between your legs as you tweak your left nipple for him.

"SHIT, MOVE!" he yells, and you've only just booked it when he rapid fires, awkwardly clearing his nonexistent throat when you stare in confusion.

"Listen babe, I swear it's only cuz I haven't had any action in half a decade."

Now it's your turn to laugh, doubling over and nearly crying at the sheer ridiculousness of the situation.

"It's fine, now just...give me more of a warning next time," you giggle, finally kneeling over him and reaching down to point the barrel upwards. You don't even warn him before sinking down, grimacing a bit at a sharp edge of the handle, but quickly adjusting due to how wet you are.

"Mmm...what's wrong, got nothing to say about my pussy?" you joke, shifting and glancing down at the weapon poking out of you.

Silence. 

"....Jack? You uh, you good?"

"Sorry kitten, remote downloads always take a few seconds," the voice booms next to you, sending you toppling down on all fours in a panic.

You whip around only to be face-to-face with a glowing blue Jack, the sculpted features smirking down at you, giving your vulnerable form multiple once-overs.

"I know I shoulda warned ya but you were being a tease so you REALLY didn't deserve it," he chuckles, loving the current look frozen on your face. "Man, this digiclone model is NICE! I can...feel everything. I can feel the wind. I can feel my feet on the ground....and I think I can feel-" he hooks a finger into his glowing blue waistband and his eyebrows shoot up, glee twisting his face, "-HOLY SHIT I HAVE A REAL DICK!!!!"

You wince as your ass scrapes a rock when you try to get up, but Jack's there in a flash, pushing your shoulders down with a hungry look on his face.

"It's been five FUCKING years," he growls, translucent eyes narrowing to meet yours.

By the guardians, he's beautiful. 

And terrifying. 

"Y-you're scaring me," you whisper, and he blinks, still pushing at you but not with as much force.

"Didn't you want sex?"

"...yeah, yeah I do. You just...scared me."

He smirks, slipping a hand down to cup and squeeze your breast.

"Sorry cupcake, deprivation and solitary confinement do some damage to a guy's communication skills," he purrs, ducking down to suckle at your neck as you let him keep pushing you back.

"Ah, Jack!" you moan as his hand releases your sensitive nub and wanders down the plane of your stomach, titillating your skin with the slight electrical buzz of his new form.

Then his finger is on your clit, and you can't help but yell out your pleasure as he whispers muffled groans into your jawline.

"Just fuck me already," you breathe, but he pulls away.

"Oh I don't think so. You owe me, asshole," he teases, reaching down to undo his own virtual pants. "Go on, reach on in and get 'im out. He's kinda cramped right now."

Your desperation fuels you, driving you with your basest desire. He seems surprised at how fast you plunge a hand in; you gasp in need as you palm what must be at least (reader's preference) inches and girthy to boot. He pushes his hips against your hand and you tug, gently and then more roughly until-

POP.

There it is.

"Holy fucking shit," you moan, rubbing at the tip and drawing a breathy shudder out of him. "That's a lotta veins."

"You complaining?" he jabs, brows lowered which only serves to make him look even more sexual. 

"No, but I will be if it's not inside me soon," you whine, confidence boosting as you let yourself get lost in the rarity and perfection of the situation. 

"Open up," he commands, shuffling forward and lightly smacking your chin until you open up. Then he shoves past your lips without warning, hand slipping behind your head and pushing you down until you violently gag.

"Ohhhhhh yeah kitten, just hang in there for daddy," he chokes out, head falling back to expose his bitable throat; well, what you can see of it from this angle anyways, with watering eyes. "Just...stay still for daddy..."

Now both of his hands are on you: one behind your occipital lobe and one applying medium pressure to your neck. He settles himself a bit then starts to thrust, fucking your throat until saliva's drooling down your chin and his smooth, tight, holographic balls. You try your best not to puke as he makes you gag over and over, finally starting to whine out high pitched whimpers of ecstasy. 

"FUCK yeah, oh gods, oh cupcake, daddy's cumming, daddy's-"

His hips jerk and his head jolts back forward to stare down at you while he releases, filling you with nothing but you don't care. Just the sight of him is more than enough to make up for it.

"Mmmmm," he groans, pulling out and releasing your decimated face. "Good kitten."

"Th-thank you daddy," you choke out, pushing up off of his thighs to smash your lips into his for a desperate kiss. He splutters at first but then joins in, adding tongue and frowning when you withdraw.

"Please...just fuck me, daddy," you beg, and he gives you a toothy grin.

"I think you've earned it, kitten."

You're shoved backwards this time, gasping in shock when he digs his ever-so-slightly-vibrating fingers into the meat of your outer thighs, hiking your legs up onto his shoulders and shoving your discarded clothes under your hips to raise your ass to cock-level.

"Deep breath pumpkin, this is gonna hurt," he warns, looking exactly like the smug bastard he is as he guides himself to your dripping wet lips. 

He gives no warning, thrusting fast, like a jackhammer. It hurts, it REALLY does, but he gauges the depth of your grimace and slows his roll to let you adjust. And soon you're rocking up into him, panting and gazing at him with slitted eyes while he starts to get rough. The wet slap of your skin on the tops of his thighs echoes through the abandoned room, quickly joined by your helpless babbling pleasure and his steady stream of dirty talking praise.

"Such a good fucktoy for me, gods I got so lucky, you're so damn TIGHT for me, fuck I love it when you clench like that," he purrs, turning his head to clamp his teeth down on your calf. The unexpected contact sends a jolt of electrical pleasure searing through you; it's enough to send you teetering over the edge. 

"JAAAAAACK!!!! JACK, YES!" you scream, bucking up against him as he mercilessly fucks into you through the entire climax, only slowing when your cries start to become pained. But he's only just reaching his third orgasm so you're forced to suffer through his twitches, moans, and jerking hips until he finally loosens his grip and lets you slide away.

"Fuck, kitten," he breathes, flopping onto his back as you let out a sobbing breath of overwhelmed pleasure. "That was better than anything I've had since Moxxi."

Pride swells in your chest and distracts from the ache starting in your cervix; the pleasure has a price. But it's nothing an Anshin shouldn't fix.

"Can we go again?" you whisper, studying the mostly clothed body that you've wanted for so long as it reclines next to you. He's still hard; makes sense, since he doesn't have blood.

A predatory grin flashes to meet your blushing cheeks, and he props himself up.

"Oh, you're not getting ANY sleep tonight, cupcake."

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed <333
> 
> Tumblr and Twitter: Maedhros36
> 
> I'm always up for a fandom chat ^.^


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